This is going to be a lengthy one...
Long time no blog. I have attempted to post so many times, but its been so long since I've done a real post and a lot has happened. I used to post all the time and I felt connected to the blogworld. Then life got crazy busy and I started doing sponsored posts (which I am grateful to have had the opportunity) but I never felt like I could totally use my voice and I learned I don't like to have my voice edited... I just began to feel disconnected. And then there is Pinterest and Instagram. And everything you can possibly make or imagine is already on a blog somewhere. I felt stale and like I had to force out some amazing idea or project. My life wasn't a perfectly staged Inst-photo, and I didn't feel like making it one. In fact it was a mess. So I just didn't do anything.
As I've mentioned in the past I have always struggled with balance. Juggling career and family. I have always had a ton of energy and would just steamroll through. People would always comment on how much I was able to get done, and I took it as a compliment, a strength. At some point I'd hit a bump and realize I was spread way too thin and have to reassess/ freak out/ get overwhelmed and work through it. I knew I could do one thing REALLY well, but having ADD kind of kept me in a vicious cycle of starting one thing and then saying "yes" to five other projects. I would thrive off the chaotic energy, I still do. I remember back in high school and college how I would have a project due, and I would wait until the last minute. The eleventh hour was when I did my best work.
But a couple years ago shit hit the fan and I just burnt out. It has taken me a long time to even talk about it because I really felt like it was a defect, that something was wrong with me. A few years back I was running Overlays, a household, designing for clients, running a blog and training for half marathons. It was crazy and I was stressed out and overwhelmed beyond belief. But I kept pushing and not saying "no" to anything.
The whole reason I started Overlays was so that I could work from home and be with my kids. Instead I was sitting in front of a computer doing CAD and answering emails while they ran amuck. I would take time to do things with them, but I would be thinking about what I needed to do and I wasn't present in the moment with them. When they would go to bed, I'd get back on the computer. My husband also felt like he was on a back burner. It sucked. I cut back on clients. I cut back on training. The blog suffered. But I still felt like I could do it all. I'd watch all these other women doing it, so it could be done. Right?
I was wrong. Things just got worse. I was miserable and cranky. I had always lived by the motto "Do what you love", and I pretty much was hating what I was doing. I was in autopilot on a computer screen. I didn't feel creative. As a girl that would change her wall colors three times a year, I felt stagnant- and I had no time to change my wall color! I wound up selling the majority of my share of Overlays to Cheryle my business partner. Her kids were grown, so she had the time that I lacked. Shortly after that I just sold it all off. I was done. Part of me felt like a flake and a failure that I couldn't stick with it, and part of me still does- I'm not sure that will ever go away.
After the dust cleared I was left to pick up the pieces around my house. My husband has been amazingly supportive and patient through it all. He is a much more logical and practical person, thank god for that. He keeps me grounded. I realize the time I lost with my kids I cannot get back, and worst of all my youngest son is on the spectrum. I have huge guilt over losing such an important developmental period of time in his life. I am doing my best now to make things right, but I am always going to wonder.
I struggle with my ADD everyday, more so now that my youngest has been diagnosed with it as well. I feel like I'm the worst role model for him- like the blind leading the blind- since I can't even figure out how to mange myself. The bright side to this is that it is making me be more mindful of my actions and behavior. Both of my kids are very creative, so my biggest fear is that they turn into eleventh hour whirlwinds. The eleventh hour only worked for me when I had no responsibilities and was single. Kids and a husband aren't too keen on me pulling an all nighter.
So emotionally that's where I've been. I am slowly getting my mojo back. I have gone back to taking on clients and designing, and of course I still find myself saying "yes" too often and taking on one more than I should. I'm in a weird space design wise. I think I've been oversaturated by design honestly. I took a lot of time off from blogs and Pinterest to try to figure out what I really like. It is really hard to do that when you are constantly being bombarded by imagery and color. We are in the midsts of a kitchen renovation at the moment, and I'm going all white and neutral. If I decide I want color I can always add it later. Right now I'm enjoying a white blank space and having things simple and not busy. Very opposite from the norm. I've even taken down most of my huge inspiration board in my office. I just need uncluttered at the moment.
I've done a lot of soul searching over the past two years trying to figure out what really makes me happy and what I love doing. I love creating. I love making. I love the whole process and how excited it makes me. So I plan on doing that. I have missed this blog, and sharing stupid shit and harebrained ideas with you guys. But I seriously could not do another post without writing this one, because every attempt at a "pretty" post just felt empty and fake. I want to thank you guys for reading this, for following me on this blog and for being my sounding board for the past 6 years. I'm not sure what the direction of this blog will become... I'm by no means ending it, just changing gears a bit- I am just going to post when I have something to talk about or show you. I don't want to post just for posting sake. I will be back soon with kitchen renovation stuff. Thanks again for listening.
xo
Danika
